SLICKS

Tickets please – scalped tickets. Fake tickets – hologram foil. Check clipboard – oh here you are page 2.

Hi, Im Slick Rick and I am a stand up comic. Welcome everyone to Slicks Comedy Club.

How is everyone doing? Lets make some noise.

YES! There we go!

Let me start by thanking all of you… it is all of you that makes this event fun and special each week, please keep coming. I enjoy doing this and I hope you will continue to keep coming back.

Wow, this is our 38th show, and I admit, when we started this was pretty awkward and cringey… now I’m proud to say we are now, at most, only one of those at a time.

[slow down] Show of hands, who has been here before. Point out… nice… well either we’ve been doing something right, or you are all glutton’s for punishment. masochists… like to see trainwreck.

If you never been here before, this is an open mic event for comedy. Look to your lower right corner, should see circle around a hand. Below it says Raise hand. Click this, it will turn blue, and this will add you to our performer list. When its your turn you will get invited to stage to perform – tell jokes, funny stories, sing a funny song – typically 3-4 minutes. Unless you are doing really well then you can keep going longer… that’s not usually a problem, someone here might be the first.

Couple more things before we get going-

There’s been an influx of Trolls lately – shouting racist, right-wing nonsense. What we do here is ban them and move on with the show… and we do our best not to let them ruin our good time. So, I know I have a light complexion and a lot of skin in my head area, but dont get it twisted, they aren’t part of my entourage… I never invited them here to speak… just so we are clear.

While we are on the subject of trolls, show of hands, who is here specifically to troll? Anyone? Now would be a good time to let us know… it was worth a shot!

No portals. If you want to leave, just do it quietly. You don’t need to start a mini revolution on your way out… Open up a portal at the front. “Hey everyone, this event sucks… who’s leaving with me????”

This is 18+ event – If we hear kids we ban them… not only because we like to tell grown up jokes. But if you are a kid, and you have a squeaky voice and you are stupid enough to take yourself off of mute… chances are you are too stupid to understand most of our jokes too. I did an all ages open mic the other day, and after each joke some kid would say “I dont get it” or “why is everyone laughing”. Here’s an idea, professor… maybe just keep your mouth shut and you won’t let everyone know you are too slow to keep up with the rest of the class.

Feel free to unmute yourselves. Someone did laugh at one of my jokes once and Id hate to miss it if it ever happens again.

Keep in mind, If you are new to altspace, your voice carries different than in the real world, you may think you are whispering quietly to your friend but we can all hear you, so unless you are both saying something really funny, take it to the lobby.

If you do find yourself getting muted, maybe your microphone was making a bunch of noise… or maybe your mouth was making a bunch of noise.

Either way, if you get muted, take that as your first and sometimes only warning before you get booted out.

If you look up here, we have a couple setups to simple jokes. About halfway through the event we go will go through these as a group and see how many punchlines we can come up with.

Here’s a couple examples.

Gandalf Walks into a Bar – sees a guy taking the breathalizer and he says “You Shall Not Pass!”

Gandalf the White Walks into a Bar – the bartender says “You know this is a Grey bar, right?”

Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”

Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.

Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He was having trouble keeping his wand stiff

Thor walks into a Bar… he’s looking for a low key night.

Freddy Krueger walks into a bar. he says, “Sure, haunting the dreams of school children is my job, but I’m not that bad of guy once you get to know me”.

Harry Potter Walks into a bar. He is followed by a small snowstorm. The Italian Bouncer says “You cannot-a come in here with that” And harry says “With what” “Your-a blizzard, Harry!”

Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He got one of those quidditch balls stuck in his ass.

The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says “Hulk… smash?”

Why did the penguin cross the road? He was turned away from the airport for being on a no-fly list.

Frosty the Snowman walks into the doctors office. He had a bladder infection but the wait was too long so there was nothing left but a puddle.

Thor walks into a bar… he says “I may be Ass-Guardian, but tonight I want to be Ass Clappian”

Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?

I admit Im conflicted about the vaccines, some of you have heard about rich people jumping the line to get them… Here in Canada there was a wealthy couple that went to the Yukon to essentially taking away shots from at-risk, first nation’s groups. So, it’s like, yea, I never want the vaccine, but still, fuck these rich, entitled pricks? Enjoy your mind control chips, assholes!

MRA

This is an issue I haven’t talked about here, on this stage, because its just so controversial, but today is the day. I wanted to talk a bit about the myth of male privilege. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of advantages of being a man… like being able to pee my name in the snow.

But there are also systemic injustices that, if they were happening to any other group, there’d be an outrage. Issues like how the majority of homeless people are men, how most suicides are men, most workplace deaths and military deaths are men. So, yea, men have privilege, except in the trivial issue of, what do you call it? oh yea… staying alive!

Anyway, all I am trying to say, as someone who supports equal rights for everyone… I feel like there should be more female suicides… more female workplace deaths… and more female deaths in the military… right right? who is with me.

Enough with the vaccines, how about another touchy subject: Masks
Or rather, double masks. Heard a story about Fauci saying wearing Two masks is just common sense. Of course, if you look into the story, Fauci said that, as a filter, two masks would work better than one. Then the anti-maskers took this and said “NOW THEY ARE FORCING US TO WEAR TWO MASKS” and pro-maskers were like “See, Fauci says we should all wear two masks!” Neither of which were true – it just shows how much bullshit is floating around out there.

This makes me grateful for comedy because laughing gives us power.

One issue with masks is, like you could wear 10 masks and still not be fully protected, because your eyes are still exposed. So, hear is an idea, but bear in mind I am not an expert in immunology, but if you want to fully protect your face, you can take a thick plastic bag, and if you can wrap that plastic bag good and tight around your head, you are 100% guaranteed to not die from the Coronovirus. 100% guaranteed.

FTR 10 min
[riff on something?]Al or Nappy tell them to unmute.
If you’d like please come closer. Take selves off of mute. I heard someone laugh at one of my jokes once and it gave me a nice warm feeling, Id hate to miss it if it ever happens again.
[ofc I don’t blame any of you for wanting to stay muted. No one wants to accidentally become the center of attention. Case and point, a few shows ago I was in the crowd, enjoying the set and being supportive. At one point, I gave the comic a thumbs up, in response. I mean there’s lots you can do here… thumbs up, finger guns, raise the roof.
So, the comic stops his set, and then calls me out for it and I’m like oh shit here we go… He makes like the next 3 or 4 jokes about me and my thumbs up how like oh look at this guy he’s too cool for the emoji panel and other stuff I don’t quite remember because as you can imagine if you were in my position, it can be a jarring experience. but be before moving on he got everyone in the room to do a big two thumbs up to him… as a comic I know it was hilarious but as a human it still ripped a small piece of my soul away. So I don’t blame you for staying muted.
Rage against Machine
This is my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”
No assing
We had a wind storm here a few weeks ago, and my no trespassing sign snapped, and now it just reads “No Assing”. I don’t even know what ‘assing’ is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it going on either, so I’m going to leave the sign up.
A-hole boss
Speaking of asses, does anyone here have an asshole for a boss? Yea? My boss can be a real asshole… it’s definitely one of the downsides of being self-employed.
Orgy
So, if sex jokes and ass jokes are’t your thing, don’t worry, there’s still more great comedians to come, So I’ll say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”
Here’s a couple examples.
I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in altspace, called slicks – find us sundays and tuesday evenings in the events tab. Each show we look at simple joke setups, something like Why did the penguin cross the road? And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can come up with. You guys want to hear some?
Why did the penguin cross the road? He was turned away from the airport for being on a no-fly list.
Thor walks into a bar… he says “I may be Ass-Guardian, but tonight I want to be Ass Clappian”
Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.
The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says “Hulk… smash?”
Harry Potter walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”
On Our open mic show Sunday, the two setups we will be using are “Gandalf walks into a Bar” and “Batman Walks into a doctor’s office”, so if you think of one be sure to come out.
Gandalf the White walks into a bar. The bartender says… “You know this is a Grey bar, right?”
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “Na na na na na na na na na…. You have rabies, man”
Open Mics
Some of you may have seen me at open mics around Altspace, They are usually lots of fun but some times they are rough. Unlike with you great people here today.
I did a show the other day and for an all-ages, family friendly event there was far more heckling than one would expect. Even one of the hosts was taking shots at me.
I was doing some of my impressions, and this kid yells out “Do a Bill Cosby Impression!”
[pause] No, I’m pretty sure you can end up in jail for doing that.
Then his friend says “Do a Mike Tyson impression”
I said listen, why don’t both of you do your best impression of someone who is muted.
Another open mic
At this other open mic, I was one joke in, and this guy comes running up to loudly complain about how he “Has heard me tell that joke like 7 times now”
First, if I keep reusing it, that means people laughed the other 6 times, so don’t blame me, blame the people who keep laughing.
Second “Do you also go to concerts and complain when the musicians played songs you’ve heard before?”
I told a few more jokes and then someone opens a fucking portal right in the front, wow… take my ego down another peg, won’t you.
What’s with these portal people. If you aren’t having fun, just leave. You don’t need to start a mini revolution on your way out. Opens a portal right in the front”Hey everyone, this event sucks… who’s leaving with me????”
Normally people who drop portals get kicked out, but this time, the event host was busy so another 5 or 6 more people joined the portal and they all left. [another couple notches down for my ego]
Then, to top it all off, One woman loudly yelled out “YOU SUCK!”
Thats a classic right? I probably hear it once or twice a week and is really annoying, because anytime says “You Suck” I always have to stop and make sure everyone heard it? Okay, it wasn’t just the normal voices in my head.
Then she said something like how I look like shaved donkey balls, and I was like, well, maybe one of them, but you said balls_S_, which is not accurate. But she’s the expert on shaved donkey balls there was no point in arguing.

Xmas Escort
I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me this year in his own funny way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.
I’m still having to care for this giant rooster from last Xmas… again, not quite what I asked for.
Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I’ve turned it into a positive. And you can too. Now, if someone gets on top of you, be like me… think Oh boy, free Lap dance. Right? This used to cost $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!
Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”
I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole? Well if you prefer hairy assholes… I can certainly oblige you!

GF Lambo
My girlfriend is like a Lamborghini…. I don’t have a Lamborghini.
Also, my wife is opposed to me having either one of them.
GF BJ
You guys know how you never want to walk in on your parents having sex? Well, the inverse is also true, you don’t want your parents walking in you having sex, either.
One time, when I still lived at home, my girlfriend and I we were fooling around down in the basement – and no [do air quotes] ‘down in the basement’ is not slang for ass play.
We were in the actual basement, right out in the wide open (again, not slang for anything).
Why out in the open and not in a locked room? Well, I don’t know my girlfriends thought processes, but you can imagine what mine were, a teenager about to get blown… “holy shit… well, don’t say anything to ruin this”
Not… hey, my mom is leaving in about 10 minutes. If we just wait we will have the place to ourselves.
But the blood had drained from my brain and gone elsewhere.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, heres my mom, 15′ away down the hallway, saying “Rick, I’m leaving now on my trip”
We panicked, my girl stands up and I hop behind her, holding her out as my human shield, but that’s it! My pants are down around my thighs and [salute] the Major Johnson was at full attention.
Here come’s my mom, around the corner, “Rick, I don’t want to miss my flight… come give me a hug” [pause]
Horrible, right? We went from teenage dream to Freudian nightmare for anyone but Oedipus.
She never did get her hug that day, but on the bright side, she has no memory the incident, as opposed to both of us being scarred for life.
The best part, not long after my mom left, my girlfriend and I picked up right where we left off – but first I made sure to lock the door!

Altstage
Come closer. off mute some jokes to try out here, throw up emojis – for everyone
No one came
I love doing stand up. some of you may know that I used to run a support group for people who had trouble reaching orgasm… Even after all the effort I put in, nobody ended up coming!
One Liners
As some of you know, I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in altspace, called slicks – find us sundays and tuesday evenings in the events tab. Each show we look at simple joke setups, something like Why did the penguin cross the road? And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can come up with. You guys want to hear some?
Why did the penguin cross the road? He was turned away from the airport for being on a no-fly list.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”
Thor walks into a Bar… he’s looking for a low key night.
Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.
For Sunday’s show the two setups will be : Gandalf Walks into a bar… and Batman walks into a doctors office.
Batman walks into a doctors office – he caught fleas from catwoman
Gandalf the white walks into a bar… the bartender says to him, you know this is a Grey bar, right?

Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He was having trouble keeping his wand stiff
Thor walks into a Bar… he’s looking for a low key night.

Freddy Krueger walks into a bar. he says, “Sure, haunting the dreams of school children is my job, but I’m not that bad of guy once you get to know me”.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He got one of those quidditch balls stuck in his ass.
[split these up]
The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says “Hulk… smash?”
Harry Potter Walks into a bar. He is followed by a small snowstorm. The Italian Bouncer says “You cannot-a come in here with that” And harry says “With what” “Your-a blizzard, Harry!”
Frosty the Snowman walks into the doctors office. He had a bladder infection but the wait was too long so there was nothing left but a puddle.
Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”

On Our open mic show Sunday, the two setups we will be using are “Gandalf walks into a Bar” and “Batman Walks into a doctor’s office”, so if you think of one be sure to come out.
Gandalf the White walks into a bar. The bartender says… “You know this is a Grey bar, right?”
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “Na na na na na na na na na…. You have rabies, man”

Leave it there. My name is Slick Rick – After this show is the Upload VR show – lots of funny comedians, live in VR. After that, come to the Failed to Render Comedy show here in altspace, I will be performing there in a few hours. If you didn;t know, failed to render features Live pro comics from around the world, thur, fri, sat. And Friday is the international show where I typically perform. Tonight I will do a different set, so if you liked this be sure to come out. And if you didn’t like my stuff, there’s lots of other talented people booked so come by and someone else might tickle your fancy.
Thanks every one!

Did an all ages open mic
Did this all ages open mic recently, I started off by telling them how I run 18+ open mic for comedy and found out last minute it was all ages… but not to worry…
“I’ve taken out all the jokes that aren’t suitable for today’s show. ” [Pause] THANK YOU EVERYONE THATS MY SET.
Ofc I was joking, did have a few lined up. But for all ages event I sure was getting heckled none stop.
I started doing some of my impressions, and one kid yells out – do an impression of Bill Cosby!
Bill Cosby? Are you crazy, I’m pretty sure you get arrested for that.
His friend yells out – do a Mike Tyson Impression…
I said “Hey, Why don’t you kids do your best impression of someone who is muted?
Funniest Guy
I’ve been doing comedy in VR for a while now, long enough that people recognize me. Sometimes people call the funniest guy in Altspace. I don’t say that, I don’t agree with it. But others have said it, including some hosts right as they introduce me to the stage.
Please don’t do that. Please don’t say “funniest”… [hand] that sets a very high expectation and will most likely lead to the disappointment of many people.
If you insist on saying it, I’d accept… “Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”… that’s something I can try to live up to.
You Suck [walk around stage and talk to people]
Doing open mics can be hard… especially in VR. Some people are under the misconception that comedy shows are an opportunity to yell ignorant shit [not you guys, great crowd here]
I did an open mic a couple weeks ago that turned into quite the nightmare.
I tell my first joke, and this guy comes running up to the stage, loudly complaining that he’s heard me tell that joke like 7 times now.
So I ask him “Do you also complain when musicians play songs you’ve heard before?”
Now, I know sometimes comedians repeat jokes, but we only keep the jokes that work… so don’t blame us, blame the people who keep laughing at it.
I told a few more jokes and then someone opens a fucking portal right in the front, wow… take my ego down a peg, won’t you.
Normally people who drop portals get kicked out, but this time, the host was busy so another 5 more people joined the portal and they all left. [another couple notches down for my ego]
Then, to top it all off, One woman loudly yelled out “YOU SUCK!” Which I hear once or twice a week and is really annoying, because I always have to stop and make sure everyone heard it? Okay, it wasn’t just the normal voices in my head.
Then she said something like how I look like shaved donkey balls, and I was like, well, maybe one of them, but you said balls_S_, which is not accurate. But she’s the expert on shaved donkey balls there was no point in arguing.
Suck Less
Recently I heard a newer variant of “You suck” which was to “Suck Less”…
It’s mean and funny, but it’s also more constructive than just yelling out “You suck”.
See, he recognized the problem – which was that I sucked. But he didn’t just stop there. No!
He thought for a bit about how to fix the situation and then he loudly shouted out his remedy, which was that I should “suck less.”
That’s pretty solid advice for any comedian. If he had expended a tad more effort, he could have gone one more notch up the advice tree, which is … “be funnier!”
Trolls
If you’ve been in Altspace for long enough, you may have encountered this certain group of trolls who seem to lean towards the far-right end of the spectrum. They spam loud, looping racist sound bite and run around making it hard to catch and ban them.
First of all, look, I know I have light skin and a bald head, but I never invited them. Some of you may have been thinking it. But no, they aren’t with me, not here as my invited guest speakers.
This got me thinking, suppose when these groups are all hanging out coordinating their next disruption, if we could send trolls their way, what sort of things could be spammed on a loop to be equally offensive to them? Something like “Herstory, not history”, or “Hate Speech is not Free Speech” Just imagine them chasing after a bot running around, [run around] yelling “Socialism” “Socialism” “Socialism”
Since most of these trolls are right wing, it got me wondering if I’ve ever seen any far left-leaning trolls? What would they even be like? Right in the middle of my set, someone comes up and is like…
“Point of order! I am offended on behalf of someone else and I demand an audience to air my grievances!”
” You mis-gendered your guests! You were racist, sexist, _and_ homophobic. Your microaggressions will no longer be tolerated. Prepare to be cancelled, de-platformed, and locked up where you will be force fed a gluten-free, vegan diet for the rest of your life!”
Yes, thank you. That was a left – leaning troll.
Orgy
There’s still more great comedians to come. I won’t be up here for that long, so I’ll say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”
No assing
We had a wind storm here a few weeks ago, and my no trespassing sign snapped, and now it just reads “No Assing”. I don’t even know what ‘assing’ is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it going on either, so I’m going to leave the sign up.
A-hole boss
Speaking of asses, does anyone here have an Asshole for a boss? Yea? My boss can be a real asshole… definitely one of the downsides of being self-employed.
Rage against Machine
Here’s my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”
Impressions – oblivious new VR user
start at entrance “OH WOW” CAN YOU GUYS SEE WHAT IM SEEING? Oh hey people are looking at me…. why does everyone… this is so creepy. I just dont understand why!
Annoying new VR user
Annoying new VR user – mic volume is set too high, usually its a high squeaky voice but not always, maybe theres a tv playing loudly or an echo
HELLO?? HELLO??? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. HELLO< CAN YOU HEAR ME> HELLO
Thank you, that was Annoying new VR user.
Have you met one of these people yet? Hey, here’s a wild idea… maybe wait more than 2 seconds before you talk… Try giving your brain a chance to wrap itself around the intricate complexities of what could possibly be happening in this space.
Just a quick announcement
As of last week, me and my wife now have three children…. pause. Nod… very kind of you… yes, we have 3 kids, and we will be letting them go as soon as their parents pay the rest of the ransom.
No one came
I love doing stand up. some of you may know that I used to run a support group for people who had trouble reaching orgasm… Even after all the effort I put in, nobody ended up coming!
Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
I read on Facebook they come with 5G microchips, so finally, I might be able to get some decent internet speed out here. I’m going to get a shot in each arm just to be safe.
Xmas Escort
I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me this year in his own funny way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.
I’m still having to care for this giant rooster from last Xmas… again, not quite what I asked for.
Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I’ve turned it into a positive. And you can too. Now, if someone gets on top of you, be like me… think Oh boy, free Lap dance. Right? This used to cost $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!
Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”
I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole? Well if you prefer hairy assholes… I can certainly oblige you!
To her credit, this woman was half right, I am bald. Any maybe she was 100% right, maybe Im an asshole – [finger up] but I resent the assumption… at least give me a chance to open my mouth and prove it.
It’s not so bad losing my hair as a comic – for one, being bald makes it easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head.
Although I don’t think the phrase “losing my hair” is a fair assessment, at least not for me. I am may be bald, but I still have all my hair. The difference now is that it has migrated to other places on my body. [gesture from head down to body]
[finger up] Listen, it took about 4 billion years of evolution to get to this amazing specimen you see before you today [highlight self with hands].
So, who are we to question my body when it says “Hey, don’t waste any more precious resources up here”[circle around head] Instead lets focus all of our hair making efforts on padding the back and the ass areas with an extra layer of fur,[tap shoulder and ass] because that’s sure to help get the ladies, right? That’s a much better evolutionary strategy to help perpetuate these incredible genes, right?
[pause] [regroup]

Apologies/Offended**
I like offensive jokes, and that means sometimes the jokes I tell are offensive. But, if any of you do get overly offended, for one, you ignored the signs and the warnings so it’s already your responsibility. But I still encourage you to write down your complaints, hang on to them until after the show, and then stick them right up your ass.
No, really, the risk of being offended is an inherent part of free speech, so SUCK IT UP, buttercup. And besides, do you know what happens after you get offended? Nothing. Nothing happens to you and you just move on with your day.
Never do you see doctors rushing a patient into the ER… [do cpr motions] Ohhh geese, They are suffering from 3rd degree offensive remarks to their entire epidermal layer. Quick! We are going to need some avocado toast and some artisinally crafted hemp beanies…. Oh god hurry up… they’re starting to blog!!!

Rage against Machine
Here’s my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”

[do crowd work to fill time if necessary]

REPEATS
18+ open mic, click the raise hand button to add yourself to the list.
If you want to talk to your friends, go to the lobby.
If you find yourselves being muted, that’s often your only warning before you get bounced.
Sundays, Tuesdays – Look up to subscribe
If you perform, we run a discord server – post videos from each show – so you get a copy of your set. Friend me, send me a dm and I will send you the discord invite.

Is this thing on?
Pause…. Is this thing on? Remember that, when comedians would tap the mic and say is this thing on? Now, thanks to Altspace, we have a new one. Is this thing glitching? Am I glitching here?
I tend to rip on the Altspace dev team, mostly because I’ve been consistently disappointed by them for the past 5 years. But the reality is that Altspace is the best option out there… so whenever I complain about it, the dev’s can say to me “Well, sorry that the best multiplayer VR platform that has ever existed isn’t good enough for you. Why not go spend 20+ million and build your own then.
Bubbles
One feature that’s new is this speech bubble over my head is a new feature. It shows up when I talk, and I like the addition.
For one it’s way easier to pinpoint who is yelling out stupid stuff and call them out on it.
Also because the voice communication in altspace is buggy, sometimes its hard for me to to hear all of you.
So now with these bubbles, whenever a joke lands well, I get to see a sea of bubbles light up, as if you all suddenly thought of a good idea. [write it down before you forget it}
Of course, the inverse is also true. Before these bubbles, I could pretend that maybe you were all laughing but I just couldn’t hear. Now, I know for sure when you aren’t.
Menus
Have you ever accidentally snubbed one of your altspace friends… you are in your menu, you come out, see your friend slowly lower hand and turning away…
Whoops, my bad. They could easily add some kind of visual cue to show when someone is in their menu, like a box in front of their face.
But, sort of like with the bubbles, when my entire set starts going bad, I get to see a sea of black boxes as everyone looks to see what else is on.
Impressions – oblivious new VR user
Annoying new VR user
Annoying new VR user – mic volume is set too high, usually its a high squeaky voice but not always, maybe theres a tv playing loudly or an echo
HELLO?? HELLO??? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. HELLO< CAN YOU HEAR ME> HELLO
Thank you, that was Annoying new VR user.
Have you met one of these people yet? Hey, here’s a wild idea… maybe wait more than 2 seconds before opening your noise hole… Try giving your brain a chance to wrap itself around the intricate complexities of what could possibly be happening in this space.

Xmas Escort
I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me this year in his own funny way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.
I’m still having to care for this giant rooster from last Xmas… again, not quite what I asked for.
Just a quick announcement
As of Wednesday, me and my wife now have three children…. pause. Nod… very kind of you… yes, we have 3 kids, and we will be letting them go as soon as their parents pay the rest of the ransom.
Church
There is a VR Church event running concurrent to ours… all the sinners can come here, the saints can go there. Plus, when your set bombs really bad, you can run over there to find salvation in the Lord.
Orgy
I won’t be up here for that long, et me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”
Just a quick announcement
As of Wednesday, me and my wife now have three children…. pause. Nod… very kind of you… yes, we have 3 kids, and we will be letting them go as soon as their parents pay the rest of the ransom.
College Jackoff
When I was in university there was period of time where I had to stay in a dorm, and there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to curb our auto-erotic behaviors. I told them, look, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME. Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.

Hey Ho

and remember kids, even if this club is still going by the time your balls drop, you will still be banned.
FTR Emergency Set
Welcome to VR Comedy… one minute you are watching the slow, the next minute… you ARE the show!
Get ready, if my mic cuts out, one of you might be next.
Hello everyone, my name is Dick Slixton, known as Slick Rick throughout the VR metaverse

No assing
We had a wind storm here a few weeks ago, and my no trespassing sign snapped, and now it just reads “No Assing”. I don’t even know what ‘assing’ is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it going on either, so I’m going to leave the sign up.
Ahole boss
Speaking of asses, does anyone here have an Asshole for a boss? Yea? My boss can be a real asshole… definitely one of the downsides of being self-employed.

Tough in Pol Climate
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.
Hard in the Paint
Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww. So say Waka Flaka’s song Hard in the paint comes on, this is what it sounds like now thanks to PC culture.
FLAKA!
I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww [cross hands on first part, then up, then shrink]
Leave you stinking, Nawwwww
What the fuck you thinking, Nawww

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
I read on Facebook they come with 5G microchips, so finally, I might be able to get some decent internet speed out here. I’m going to get a shot in each arm just to be safe.
Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I think … Oh boy, free Lap dance. This used to cost $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!
Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”
I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole? Well if you prefer hairy assholes… I can certainly oblige you!
To her credit, this woman was half right, I am bald. Any maybe she was 100% right, maybe Im an asshole – [finger up] but I resent the assumption… at least give me a chance to open my mouth and prove it.
It’s not so bad losing my hair as a comic – for one, being bald makes it easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head.
Although I don’t think the phrase “losing my hair” is a fair assessment, at least not for me. I am may be bald, but I still have all my hair. The difference now is that it has migrated to other places on my body. [gesture from head down to body]
[finger up] Listen, it took about 4 billion years of evolution to get to this amazing specimen you see before you today [highlight self with hands].
So, who are we to question my body when it says “Hey, don’t waste any more precious resources up here”[circle around head] Instead lets focus all of our hair making efforts on the back and the ass areas with an extra layer of fur,[tap shoulder and ass] because that’s sure to help get the ladies, right? That’s a much better evolutionary strategy to help perpetuate these incredible genes.

Avatar the Last Airbender
Im sure some of you have heard of this animated character called Avatar the Last Airbender. Apparently I look a bit like him, but never heard of him before. Back when Altspace came out with new avatars, I made my this one, and these kids where all pointing at me and saying Avatar Avatar Avatar. So I’m like, Eyyyyy, new avatars… pretty cool right, you know, like some out of touch old man.
But these didn’t just immediately shun me. Instead, they were like.. Nooo, you know… the avatar movie. I’m like, …[look at hands] Im not even blue?
Noo… you know, the airbender. That’s not me I said, the only time I’m bending any air is after a visit to the Taco Bell. (or pretty much any meal).

Canada Degrees
So you may be able to tell, Yes I am Canadian. And sorry to you awkward american guys, no I am not willing to vouch about your totally real “girlfriend from Canada”
Yes, I live in Canada, where we say things like “Its nice out for this time of the year”… which means if you go outside unprepared, you will still die. But it will take hours instead of minutes, so that’s considered a nice day out.

Tough in Pol Climate
(Don’t blame me. I keep the jokes that people laugh at the most… blame everyone who laughs!)
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.
Sadly, after a lengthy decision, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes about orphans.
Lastly, I took anything to do with radical extremism, because for some reason it always seems to bomb!

Echolocation
You guys know what echolocation is, right? It’s when bats and dolphins use sound to navigate their environment. I just realized I’ve been using it too, every time I wake up at night and try to find the toilet without turning on the light. [Turn to side, hand gesture] Side of the bowl, side of the bowl, side of the bowl….splashdown – There we go, right on target!
Tough in Pol Climate
(Don’t blame me. I keep the jokes that people laugh at the most… blame everyone who laughs!)
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.

US
I know it’s already been said, but I think Trump is to blame for what happened in the capitol. Trump became responsible for the loss of lives the instant he asked his people to march… or walk for a while, or go up stairs. Pretty much any form of moderate exercise is a potential death sentence to his support base.
[glad Im not in one of the shithole countries like you americans]

VR2021
when I was a kid….mom said dont sit so close to tv – rot . here, its 2021.

Well, if you haven’t seen these trolls yet, they like to disrupt events and spam racist and offensive things. If you dont see them here if you spend enough time in Altspace you will likely to see them somewhere soon. Sometimes they will just play a loud sound clip over and over and they sometimes sneak around and make it hard to be banned.
Other times they will actually come up, do a couple minutes of stand up – even get laughs- before going into yelling racial nonsense and just doing lame and tired attempts to be shocking and edgy.

My name is Slick Rick, and I am a stand up comic.

This year, I’ve decided to take out all of the jokes from my set that people found offensive. …. Thanks everyone, that’s my set!

[Yes, thanks. I have to lead with that joke, because I tried fitting it in later on and the the host didn’t realize it was a joke]
Close
Slick Rick, I run an 18+ open mic called Slicks Comedy, sundays and tuesdays here in altspace, find us in the events tab.
Normally Im treated like a snickers bar floating in a hot tub, but you guys have been great.
Living in the future
This is 2021, it seems unbelievable to me. All the sci-fi movies I watched growing up… the future they depicted… that is now. We are living in the future.
Who saw the boston dynamics latest video, 2 humanoid robots dancing with a robot dog. Incredible.
And the spacex rocket launches. Old rockets used to land, straight down. Newest one does this crazy belly flop/last minute flip before landing.
Seeing videos of these things, they look fake. Those dancing robots looked fake. Those rockets, they look fake. But I know they are real. If I saw that in a movie, I’d think it looked like shitty cgi.

Get through this
Well, if you aren’t liking my style, I will say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”
2020 bits
2020 is finally over. Congrats everyone we got through it. But No doubt, it was a tough year…
Sean Connery
007 – Sean Connery passed away last year. Seeing all the jokes people are making and the general lack of empathy has left me shaken, but not stirred.
Alex Trebek
In ‘Other Sad News for 1000 please’, Alex Trebek also moved on to the big gameshow in the sky.
The venerable Mr Trebek was almost denied entry to heaven when he didn’t answer St. Peter in the form of a question.
David Blaine
Did you guys see that Magician David Blaine stunt called Ascension where he [hand fist] hung on to a bunch of helium filled balloons and [raise fist] floated 25000 up feet into the air. Sounds scary, but then again, a lot of single people have had their entire lives hanging on the line with just a small amount of latex for protection.
Bubbles
We have a bunch of new people here in altspace – who is new here?
Welcome, so great to see you all.
If you are new you may not know this, but this speech bubble over my head is a new feature. It shows up when we talk, and I like the addition. For one it’s way easier to pick out the idiot yelling out from a crowd of people.
Also because the voice communication in altspace is buggy, sometimes it can hard for me to to hear all of you.
But now with these bubbles, whenever a joke lands well, I get to see a sea of bubbles light up, as if you all suddenly thought of a good idea. [write it down before you forget it}
Of course, the inverse is also true. Before these bubbles, I could pretend that maybe you were all laughing but I just couldn’t hear. Now, I know for sure when you aren’t.
Country Living
I’m fortunate to have moved out into the country a few years ago. Its great because when I practice my jokes outside In the summertime, I can get used to hearing nothing but crickets.
Country living is not for everyone… but it really all depends on how you look at it.
If you hear that there are lots of ticks and mosquitoes, that sounds unappealing. But, if you hear that every time you leave your house, hordes of thirsty females will try use you to make babies, well that doesn’t sound as bad, does it. I mean who doesn’t want to be wanted?
Sadly, out where I live, because the human females are in such short supply, beauty standards tend to drop. There’s a formula we use to find out if a woman is still considered attractive or not. Feel free to use it yourselves [use hands as height measuring] First, you count how many kids she has, then you count how many teeth she has left. And as long as she still has more teeth than kids, she’s still considered hot.
Moonwalk
At your grocery stores, do you guys all have those arrows on the floor telling you where to go? Anyone else been yelled for going the wrong way?
I’ve was thinking, there’s never been a better time to learn the moonwalk, Say there’s something like 15 feet away but the aisle is going the wrong way. [go to right side of stage, right hand out in front] You Back up to the aisle, cart out in front, and just Moonwalk your way back to get to what you need. [Move back, wave left hand], grab it and throw it in the cart “I was just picking up some bananas for my pet monkey, bubbles. Hee Hee.” Then you just Shamone your way out of there.

Close
That’s my time. My name is Slick Rick and I am a stand up comic.
I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in Altspace called slicks comedy Sunday and Tuesday Evenings, find us in the events tab. Also check out the failed to render shows, thur, fri, sat nights here in altspace – live pro comics from all around the world doing stand-up for you. Come to tomorrows show get to see me do these same jokes, and more!
Normally Im treated like a snickers bar floating in a hot tub but you have been a great crowd. Thanks everyone.

The bad news, the sequel has just begun… welcome to 2021… where we are already screwed by the millions of people who foolishly asked… “how could this year be any worse?”
Take selves off of mute… one time someone laughed at one of my jokes and I’d hate to miss it if it ever happens again.

Familar faces
It’s nice to see a bunch of familiar faces here. Of course, here in Altspace everyone’s face already looks familiar.
Been here before
Who has been here before – hands up. [PAUSE]
Wonderful… thank you all for coming.
Those of you who have seen me before, please don’t ruin my jokes for everyone else… I can ruin jokes just fine on my own.
Turd return
OFC As your host, I will keep popping back up here, not unlike a turd that just wont flush.
Hulk
The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says Hulk… smash?

KFC Onsole
This may sound like a joke, but this is an actual thing. You know KFC – company that sells bird parts cased in fat and salt – they have made a gaming console. Called the KFC Onsole.
Comes with a warming compartment to keep food warm. If they add a mountain dew fountain and a toilet, that will be all it takes for man to finally meld with machine.
If you are playing the KFC gaming console and you notice some bugs, be sure to report them to the health inspector.

Hey Ho

Set2

Wooo, yea, how is everyone feeling out there? Let’s try that again. How is everyone feeling out there? [This guy just said shitty again, but louder]
ROOM HUMORS
• Are you guys liking this room? I wanted to force the audience sit closer together. It makes it easier for all of you [look around] to look around and tell that, yeah, nobody else is having any fun here, either.
• I also like having the audience closer. My first few stages where so far from the audience, I was finding it hard to hear people laughing. As I’m finding out now, the problem wasn’t the distance. Of course, now we all have bubbles when we talk, so I know for sure when no one is laughing.
• If I get desperate enough I will put up a sign like they had at old sitcom studios, but instead of “applause” it will read “laugh”
HR in VR
If you’ve been in VR for a while, you may have seen this.
Who’s seen this happen, where your hand controller loses tracking and just floats away. The predictive algorithm in the headset assumes, as soon as it can’t see the controller, the user must be stretching out one of their arms about 10 feet.
Well, I was at one of these HR in VR events here in Altspace, and this happened to me. My hand floated away and stopped on top of a female avatar. Long story short, my actions were problematic and I won’t be allowed back until I take an avatar sensitivity workshop.
Tough in Pol Climate
(Don’t blame me. I keep the jokes that people laugh at the most… blame everyone who laughs!)
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.
Sadly, after a lengthy decision, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes about orphans.
Lastly, I took anything to do with radical extremism, because for some reason it always seems to bomb!

Obscure PC Part
The other day a buddy of mine asked me for a USB to Serial cable, which if you don’t know is pretty obscure computer part. Oh boy, lets see if I can finally validate carting around this giant box of old parts for the last 20 years.
I didn’t find one, but I do have one of those old gaming console switches that move between channel 3 and channel 4… anyone remember that thing? Why am I even hanging on to this? Oh well, back into the box for after the apocalypse.
Sudden Crash
My buddy had a big advertisement along the highway to promote his construction company. The other day a truck drove right through the middle of it, breaking it in half. I sent him a picture of it along with a text that read, “Due to a sudden crash in the market, your business has been cut in half!”

Tough in Pol Climate
(Don’t blame me. I keep the jokes that people laugh at the most… blame everyone who laughs!)
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.
Sadly, after a lengthy decision, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes about orphans.
I never was the type of comic to put my hands on any kind of sexual harassment humor.
Lastly, I took everything to do with radical extremism, because for some reason it always seems to bomb!

Spacex/Pitbull show?
Anyone go to that Pitbull event here in Altspace last weekend? What a disappointment. I guess they call Pitbull Mr. 305 because he was on for about 3 minutes and 5 seconds. Mr. World wide – as in he disappointed people all across the world!
An elephant
An elephant walks into a doctor’s office. Tears running down his face, the elephant says “Do you have anything that will help me to stop remembering?”
The doctor says, try next door. So an Elephant goes walking into a Bar…

My name is Slick Rick – if you like comedy – run an 18+ open mic event for comedy called Slicks Comedy, find us in the events tab, sundays and tuesday evenings. Anything from first timers on stage to professionals working on new material. Also, be sure to check out the Failed to Render comedy shows – Thur, fri, saturday nights – feature live professional comedians from all around the world – including me – tonight – on the Failed to Render stage, come out and hear a mostly different set of jokes!
Thanks everyone, great crowd.

Anyone follow that SpaceX Starship test launches? It was amazing, and I am glad they finally launched it. The day before, there was like 10 hours of building, only to get aborted 1 second before launch. Instead of being cockblocked, we all got rock’tblocked. It gave us blue spaceballs.

Kids
Oh hey, if you didn’t hear, as of yesterday, I now have three children. Yes, thank you, thank you. As soon as their parents pay the rest of the ransom I will let them go.
ROOM HUMERS
Are you guys liking this room? I wanted to force the audience sit closer together. It makes it easier for all of you [look around] to look around and tell that, yeah, nobody else is having any fun here, either.
I put the camera up here facing the crowd so everyone can watch their favorite subject. i.e. THEMSELVES!
I also like having the audience closer. My first few stages where so far from the audience, I was finding it hard to hear people laughing. As I’m finding out now, the problem wasn’t the distance.
If I get desperate enough I will put up a sign like they had at old sitcom studios, but instead of “applause” it will read “laugh” But then again, that’s what’s slickbot is here for. Right slick bot?

Tough in Pol Climate
It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.
I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.
Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.
Lastly, I took out my stuff about radical extremism because it always seemed to bomb.
Normally treated like a croc in a care home, but great crowd.

Netflix movie – Ballad of Buster Scruggs – saloon scene – Surly Joe -. Chance for crowd to sing along. During verse, Surly Joe, can all yell back surley joe. I will prompt you with arms because timing is hard in vr.
Surly Joe, the gambler
He will gamble nevermore
His days of stud and hold ’em, they are done
It was long about last April
He stepped into this saloon
But he never really took to anyone

Surly Joe (Surly Joe), surly Joe (Surly Joe)
Oh, wherever he’s gambling now, I don’t know (we don’t know)
He was slick, but I was slicker, he drew quick, but I was quicker
And the table stopped his ticker Surly Joe, yee-haw!

Surly Joe (Surly Joe), Surly Joe (Surly Joe)
Won’t be missed by anyone will Surly Joe (Surly Joe)
Humankind he frowned upon, But not now, his face is gone
Guess your frowning days are done oh, Surly Joe (yee-haw!)

Surly Joe (Surly Joe), Surly Joe (Surly Joe)
A cedilla on the C of Curly Joe (Surly Joe!)
He was mean in days of yore, now they’re mopping up the floor
One more sight to make him sore, oh, Surly Joe (yee-haw!)

Surly Joe (Surly Joe), Surly Joe (Surly Joe)
Where the rest of his face has got to, we don’t know (we don’t know)
He was never any fun, now his grumpy race has run
Kisser blown to kingdom come, oh, Surly Joe (yee-haw!)

Stop the Splat!

Help prevent birds from striking your windows!

Set1

SLICKS