Resnauv’s

Hi everyone my namie is Slick Rick and I am a stand up comic.

I run an 18 + open mic event here in altspace called Slicks, find us in the events tab Sundays and Tuesdays.

I found out just before coming up that this is an all ages show, but don’t worry, I took out all the jokes that aren’t suitable for today’s audience….  THanks everyone, that’s my set!

Yes…. that was a joke.  Comedians tend do that sometimes.

As some of you may have surmised, yes I am from Canada, and no, sorry guys, I will not vouch to your friends and family about your totally real “girlfriend from Canada”

Funniest Guy

I’ve been doing comedy in VR for a while now, long enough that sometimes people recognize me.  They say, oh here’s the the funniest guy in Altspace.  I’ll never say that, I don’t agree with that, but even some hosts have said that Im the funniest, right as they introduce me to the stage.

Please don’t do that.  Please don’t say “funniest”… [hand] that sets a very high expectation and will most likely lead to the disappointment of many people.

Jerry Seinfeld, who actually is among the funniest people, hates being introduced as the funniest comic.  he says that as soon as people hear that, they think “Funniest guy… [straighten shirt in a huff]  hmmmph  oh we’ll see about that…”

If you insist on saying it, I’d accept… “Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”… that’s something I can try to live up to.

Impression

Second one – Annoying new VR user – mic volume is set too high, commercials blaring, and theres an echo as well because why not.  HELLO?? HELLO???

Thank you, that was my impression of an annoying new vr user.

I’m sure we’ve all seen that… some of you may have been that person.  What Im wondering is do these people do the same thing in the real world, too?  Do they just walk into a full classroom and just start yelling, hello, what is this, hello? Probably not, but it seems to happen in VR the time right?

Hey, here’s a wild idea… maybe wait more than 5 whole seconds before opening your noise hole… Try giving your brain a chance to wrap itself around the intricate complexities of what could possibly be happening in this space.

Thanks everyone.  My name is Slick Rick – If you like comedy, check out the failed to render comedy shows here in altspace, live pro comics from around the world, thur, fri saturdays,  come to tonights show, I will be the host – we have a great line up for you.  Hope to see you there.  Normally Im treated like a snickers bar floating in a hot tub but you’ve all been great.  Thanks everyone, this was lots of fun!

[EXHAUST ALL LAUGHS] – dont rush, even when silent – setup each joke on it’s own. take time! Have FUN!

Hi Everyone, I’m Richard Slixton!

Come Closer

Please take yourselves off of mute and come closer,  tonight might be the night when someone finally laughs at one of my jokes and I like us all to bear witness.

Canadian

Some of you may be able to tell by my outrageous accent, Yes I am Canadian.  And no, I am not willing to vouch to your friends and family about your totally real “girlfriend from Canada”

Is this thing on?

Is this thing on?… remember that? Is this thing on?  Now, thanks to altspace, we have a new one… Am I glitching?  Am I glitching guys? Come on altspace, this bug has been around longer than covid.

Get through this

As you see, my style isn’t for everyone, so let me say the same thing that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy.  “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

College Jackoff

When I was younger, living in a dorm, there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to…  curb … our auto-erotic behaviors. I said, Listen, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME!

Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.

GF Lambo

You guys know how you never want to walk in on your parents having sex?  Well, the inverse is also true, you don’t want your parents walking in you having sex, either.

One time, when I still lived at home, my girlfriend and I we were fooling around down in the basement – and no [do air quotes] ‘down in the basement’ is not slang for ass play.

But we were right out in the middle of the room, performing 68 – which if you know street math, is where she blows me and I owe her one.

Well, out of nowhere I hear my mom saying “Rick, I’m leaving now on my trip” as shes walking down the hallway, maybe 15′ away.

We had about 2 seconds to hide, so my girl stands up and I hop behind her as my human shield, but that’s it!

My pants are down around my thighs and [salute] the Major Johnson was at full attention.

Here come’s my mom, around the corner, “Rick, I don’t want to miss my flight… come give me a hug” [pause]

Horrible, right?  We went from teenage dream to Freudian nightmare for anyone but Oedipus.

It took a few back and forths, but once the blood returned to my brain, I finally convinced my mom to go back upstairs without her hug, mad as hell and questioning her job as a mother…

[finger up] but at least she has no memory the incident, as opposed to both of us needing years of therapy.

The best part, not long after my mom left, my girlfriend and I picked up right where we left off – but first I made sure to lock the door!

[pause, reset speed]

[EXHAUST ALL LAUGHS] – dont rush, even when silent – setup each joke on it’s own. take time! Have FUN!

Tough in Pol Climate

It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.

I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.

Also, you should know that I never put my hands [hands patting] on any kind of sexual harassment jokes.

Lastly, my bits about transgenderism were all surgically removed. At least now the liberal media should stop trying to cut off my balls.

Hard in the Paint

Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww.  So this is what rap sounds like – take Waka Flaka’s Hard in the pain!

FLAKA!

I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww

Leave you stinking, Nawwwww

What the fuck you thinking, Nawww

Lap Dance

If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you.  When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.

I used to get annoyed. but now I think … Oh boy, free Lap dance.  This used to cost $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!

Bald Asshole

It’s not all free lap dances here.  The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time,  flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”

I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole?  Well if you prefer hairy assholes…  I can certainly oblige you!

To her credit, this woman was half right, I am bald.  Any maybe she was 100% right, maybe Im an asshole – [finger up] but I resent the assumption… at least give me a chance to open my mouth and prove it.

It’s not so bad losing my hair as a comic – being bald makes it easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head.

Although I don’t think the phrase “losing my hair” is a fair assessment, at least not for me.  I am may be bald, but I still have all my hair. The difference now is that it has migrated to other places on my body. [gesture from head down to body]

[finger up] Listen, it took about 4 billion years of evolution to get to this amazing specimen you see before you today [highlight self with hands].

So, who are we to question my body when it says “Hey, don’t waste any more precious resources up here”[circle around head] Instead lets focus all of our hair making efforts on the back and the ass areas with an extra layer of fur,[tap shoulder and ass] because that’s sure to help get the ladies, right? That’s a much better evolutionary strategy to help perpetuate these incredible genes.  No?  No one?

Whats going on people, is thing glitching?  Am I glitching?

Hey Ho!?

Whoever has hands… go like this!  [hand up] [wave hand]  Everybody go like this!

Everybody say “Hey_eeyy!!!”

Now say “Hoo_oh!!!!”

Say “Hey ho!”

“Hey Ho!”

Good job everyone, that was lesson one in my series called “How to get stabbed by a hooker”