Tik Tok Toe
Do any of you use TikTok? Well, I’ve been working on a similar app that is for podiatrists. It’s called TikTok Toe.
Wife
So I’ve been fighting with the wife again. She was saying something like how I don’t pay enough attention to her or yea, I don’t even know, I was barely listening.
Conceited Hitchhiker
Last week I picked up this really conceited hitchhiker, I mean you wouldn’t believe the ego on this guy. He asked me if I wanted some oral sex as a thank you for the ride. Sounded pretty generous, right? But then he starts undoing his _own_ pants… I’m like – you know what, don’t even worry about it.
ROOM HUMERS
Are you guys liking this room? I wanted to force the audience sit closer together. It makes it easier for all of you [look around] to look around and tell that, yeah, nobody else is having any fun here, either.
I put the camera up here facing the crowd so everyone can watch their favorite subject. i.e. THEMSELVES!
I also like having the audience closer. My first few stages where so far from the audience, I was finding it hard to hear people laughing. As I’m finding out now, the problem wasn’t the distance.
If I get desperate enough I will put up a sign like they had at old sitcom studios, but instead of “applause” it will read “laugh” But then again, that’s what’s slickbot is here for. Right slick bot?
Avatar the Last Airbender
So, there’s this animated character called Avatar the Last Airbender, and I guess it looks a bit like my avatar. Back when Altspace came out with new characters, I made my avatar look like it does now, and these kids where all pointing at me and saying Avatar Avatar Avatar. So I’m like, Eyyyyy, new avatars… pretty cool right, you know, like some out of touch old man.
But these didn’t just immediately ridicule and shun me. Instead, they were like.. Nooo, you know… the avatar movie. I’m like what are you even talking about …[look at hands] Im not even blue?
Noo… you know, avatar the airbender. Thats not me I said, the only time I’m bending any air is after a visit to the Taco Bell. (or pretty much any meal).
A-hole boss
[All these exciting events in altspace – so late at night tho]Anyone else here have a boss that can be an asshole? [pause pause] Yea, me too – my boss can be a real jerk sometimes. It’s definitely one of the downsides of being self-employed.
Impressions
First one – Oblivious new VR User. -go into crowd, narrate what is happening
Second one – Annoying new VR user – mic volume is set too high, commercials blaring, and theres an echo as well because why not. HELLO?? HELLO???
Thank you, that was my impression of an annoying new vr user.
That last one gets to me. Do these people do that in the real world, too? Walk into a full classroom and just start yelling, hello, what is this, hello? Probably not, but it seems to happen in VR the time right?
Hey, here’s a wild idea… maybe wait more than 2 seconds before opening your noise hole… Try giving your brain a chance to wrap itself around the intricate complexities of what could possibly be happening in this space.
Dog smell
They say a dog’s sense of smell is like 10 – 100x greater than humans. But I can be like 10 feet away, and be like phew, oh yea,[point] that’s dog shit. [Speak as Move over body on stage hand gestures to where pile of poop is [one hand becomes poop] But a dog with its superior sense of smell, has to get like right up to it. You know, like half an inch away from it and just starts whafting in lungfuls of it like some kind of a canine poop sommelier.
But Ive actually thought about it some more [hand gestures again], and the first whiff you get… that’s just sort of like the heading of a spam email. You know… YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SMELL HERE? And then when you get right up close, that’s when you can open the full body of the message, you know, really dig into details. Rover was here yesterday, and he was eating some leftover meatloaf and he chewed part of a dead squirrel.
Apologies/Offended**
I like offensive jokes, and that means sometimes the jokes I tell are offensive. But, if any of you do get overly offended, for one, you ignored the signs and the warnings so it’s already your responsibility. But I still encourage you to write down your complaints, hang on to them until after the show, and then stick them right up your ass.
No, really, the risk of being offended is an inherent part of free speech, so SUCK IT UP, buttercup. And besides, do you know what happens after you get offended? Nothing. Nothing happens to you and you just move on with your day.
Never do you see doctors rushing a patient into the ER… [do cpr motions] Ohhh geese, They are suffering from 3rd degree offensive remarks to their entire epidermal layer. Quick! We are going to need some avocado toast and some artisinally crafted hemp beanies…. Oh god hurry up… they’re starting to blog!!!
Bangity Bang
This is a joke my dad told me when I was young, still works in VR.
Two really poor countries go to war with each other. This guy gets drafted to go fight, and during his boot camp he goes through weapons training. The instructor says to him, we are too poor to afford weapons, so when you see an enemy, you make your hand into to a finger gun and you say ‘Bangity Bang’. That’s all you have to do. The next day, this guy gets sent to the front lines to fight. He is terrified, has no weapon and thinks it’s crazy. But he sees the enemy, points his finger at him, and says ‘Bangity Bang’. The enemy drops dead. He’s sees another, points his finger, and says Bangity Bang – same thing, the guy drops dead. He starts picking them off one after another – bangity bang, bangity bang, bangity bang. 3 more kills. THen he sees another enemy charging right at him [arms flailing]
He points his finger at the enemy, says bangity bang. THis time, nothing happens, so he says bangity bang, bangity bang. Still nothing. The enemy keeps storming towards him [airs flailing]. Finally the enemy walks right over the guy, and as he crushed him to death, he said “Tankity tank!”